When you have a low self-esteem you do not value yourself, and it is hard to believe who you are in Christ. It is easier to believe the lies of satan, than the truth of God. In fact, our unbelief keeps us in bondage to the lies of the enemy of our souls. We become a slave to sin and can’t receive the love that God longs to give us.
I know because I spent years trying to receive His love, while still believing the lies of satan. However, God’s Word says that if you seek Him with all your heart, you will find Him. (Jer 29:13) That was the first scripture that I memorized back in 1994 after a very devastating time in my life.
Later, while crying out to God in my prayer closet because He seemed so far away, He spoke to my heart that he wanted me to be tenacious. Little did I know how important tenacity would be in my pursuit of a truth and love relationship with Christ.
That was in 1998, and I was in Bible College, questioning whether God really called me to be there. I saw His presences on so many people, yet felt like I was behind a brick wall. I couldn’t receive His love, and it hurt so badly.
At that point, I began Christian counseling in a class called, Cleansing Streams. Later I took classes under took a class under "Mama Hugs," for healing the wounded heart. In 2002, I went to Safe Haven Ministry for more counseling. The main sin addressed during these sessions was, unbelief.
The list of retreats and avenues I have sought to be free, go on and on. All this time, I feel that I have loved God, but haven’t believed, “Who I am in Christ.”
God told me that He would be my husband, but He seemed so distant.
I felt so lonely and rejected because I couldn’t feel his presences.
I began dating again in 2008, and, because my root sin problem was rejection, I got into codependent relationships. God used these relationships to bring me once again to counseling. I was looking for security, value and acceptance from another human being.
In God alone will we find the security and acceptance we long for and seek. What I needed was transformation, brought about by a renewed mind. The following three scriptures support this need:
"Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual (reasonable) act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind..." (Rom 12:1-2)
"... And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit, (2 Cor. 3:16-18.)
So I tell you this, and insist on it in the Lord, that you must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking. They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. (Eph. 4:17-18)
Webster defines tenacious as, "the quality of holding fast, standing firm, persistent, unwilling to quit, resign or let go."
Like the woman God desires me to be, who is tenacious in her pursuit of God. One who never gives up regardless of the loneliness in her heart. I was thirsty, but I didn’t believe that I was valuable.
On the last and greatest day of the Feast, Jesus stood and said
in a loud voice, “If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink.
Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living
water will flow from within him,” (John 7:37-39).
By this, He meant the Spirit, whom those who believed in him were later to receive. Up to that time the Spirit had not been given, since Jesus had not yet been glorified.
To the Jews who had believed him, Jesus said, “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” “So if the Son sets you free (from sin and unbelief), you will be free indeed.” (John 8:31;32;36)
This unbelief began when I was a baby. Long before I was capable
of any decision making process, my heart believed that I was a throw
away, an outcast that even a mother didn’t want.
The lie was deeply buried in my soul, and it has taken the persistent work of a loving Savior to free me from this bondage. The following quote seems appropriate to my hearts cry:
Prayer by Charles de Foucauld:
"Deliver me, Jesus— from the desire to be praised, honored, glorified, preferred, consulted, or approved. Deliver me, Jesus, from the fear of being humiliated, criticized, forgotten, ridiculed, maltreated, and from the fear of what others will think.
O Jesus, give me the grace to desire that others would be loved and esteemed ahead of me, that in the eyes of the world, they would increase, while I decrease, and praised, while I pass by unnoticed.
I pray that others would be preferred in all situations, that others would become more than myself — in order that I would be as holy as You want me to be."
Low self esteem develops when you look to others for praise and approval. You desire to be valued by man, when the only true affirmation must come from God.
Today I had an encounter with the Lord. I ask for forgiveness of my unbelief. I repented for turning to others for the love and acceptance that I can only get from God. I ask God to forgive me for seeking value, security and esteem from anyone but Him, and I ask him to remove the veil from my heart that has been there because of my unbelief.
I picked up my Bible and started reading the Scripture, and this
experience was very different. I am reading with new
eyes and a new heart. I believe that he loves me and the Word is His
love letter to me.
I thank God that He is tenacious and that he developed that characteristic in my heart. I praise Him that His Word is faithful and true and that, when we seek Him with all our heart, we will find Him.
If you have this desire in your heart to know Him, don’t give
up. Grab on like a dog with a bone and don’t let go. He loves you and
He is just waiting for you to believe so that He can lift the veil.