Sometimes when I write about what God has shown me during my lifetime, I ask am I good enough? Am I qualified to offer up my experiences to anyone. I read other Christian authors who seem to have it all together, and I think, sure, God can really use them because they are such good examples.
Then I look at me and it's like I'm always taking two steps forward and one step back. Sometimes more than one step back. I wonder how God can use such an imperfect vessel such as myself at all.
But I think that there are at least a few more people out there like me who seem to struggle with life, and maybe I can let them know that they're not the only ones.
After almost 60 years it seems I should be coasting right along instead of hitting every bump and pothole along the road, but I'm finding that with every obstacle God is teaching me and opening my eyes to something new; most importantly, as a terribly insecure person, He never misses an opportunity to let me know He loves me through it all.
One of the biggest things He is impressing me with this last year is that I don't have to be perfect. No matter how many times I fail or how badly, He still loves me, and my place in Heaven is still secure.
Whenever I would fail in past years, I would always have that small doubt that maybe I'm not good enough to make it in, constantly worried and depressed that no matter how hard I tried, it wouldn't be enough. It's finally becoming clear deep down inside me, that if I fail, it's okay. Jesus was "good" enough, and that's the main thing.
Because He knew that I and everyone else would never be good enough, He decided to take all our failures, (past, present, and future) on Himself and give His perfect blood as a sacrifice to cover everything I could possibly do.
No matter how badly I fail, because of Him, I don't ever have to worry that I wont make it. When I asked Him to become my Lord all those years ago and forgive me for my sins, He said "I will--and now I will never leave you or forsake you."
He paid off my sin debt, and He knew I would sin some more, so He went ahead and paid that off too--in advance.
Now when He looks at me, He says "Carolyn, I love you, you're not perfect, but I'm never gonna stop loving you. Even though you will fail at times, never doubt that you will make it. I paid for ALL your sins with my blood sacrifice, and because of Me, you're 'good' enough."
If you read through the bible, you will find example after example of people who failed over and over, but because of Jesus, they were good enough. Peter, Paul, Thomas, Jacob, Moses,-- some of these men even got to walk with the Lord, and still they messed up, but each one is in Heaven today because Jesus made them "good enough."
I guess He uses my writing because He wants others like me to know they're not alone, not the only ones; that He can use them even if they don't think He can, because in His eyes, we're "good enough."