"Dream of My Late Sister"
I had a dream two days after my sister's funeral. To this day I still think about this dream I had, only I don't think it was a dream. I believe I was awake. My sister's story is very long so I really can't tell it. We all have very long stories don't we? I will just tell you of my...experience.
It had been almost four months since my surgeries. I had two total knee replacements unfortunately at an early age of 51. I had two done a week apart. I was not able to tolerate any pain killers at the hospital or at home afterwards, Tylenol was all I could take and I have a high threshold for pain and discomfort anyway, I've always been pretty tough.
I woke up at night to get comfortable as my knees were stiff. This took me a few minutes as I had to find the pillow that was lost under the covers that belonged under one of my legs. Having found it and adjusted things, I layed back down, my eyes closed, relieved to have found comfort again. Now I wish I could SHOW you what happened because I'm not sure if how I tell it does it justice.
As I layed back down,a VERY very bright light filled my eyes. I did not see a light in a place or room, but rather the light FILLED my eyes, it is all I saw. A beautiful white light. I was very aware and it was for lack of a better word, incredible. No, it was magnificent, bright but not blinding, but how could I see this as my eyes, were closed. I swore. I did. I said to myself, 'oh great, first my knees, now I'm going beeping blind. This meant that I was...afraid.
And a second later, the fear was gone. I know that we can control our fear, our discomfort, but I no longer had control. There... was.. no fear to control. It was replaced with something else.
I have to get back to that light. I cannot say enough about it. It was beautiful. This is the part where I cannot do it justice. I cannot think of a word that describes it. I wondered why I didn't open my eyes!?...Why not, if you're not dreaming, didn't you just open your eyes? You don't normally do that when you see something spectacular, you don't just close your eyes. In this experience, I could SEE this light, but I do know my eyes were shut.
I will stop at what I SAW and try to explain what I felt. I still shake my head in disbelief, I don't know where to begin or how to describe it. I wonder if we are born with certain feelings or they come as we live life, but some of my feelings were gone. Every day I experience feelings of fear, sadness, anxiety, tiredness, I could go on. Ever slight, but we all feel these things every day along with many other feelings.
Why was I not afraid? Because something happened to my eyes when I layed back down! Why was I not worried? or anxious? All those normal feelings. All of a sudden AFTER I swore and thought I was going blind, that concern was totally lifted from me.
I felt peace, comfort, warmth, even the sadness I was carrying for my sister was gone. TOTALLY gone. I felt love, I felt I was bathed in love. I had not a worry, or regret, or.....want. Total peace.
I said to myself..'oh....my....God...what is happening?.. Jeanne, what are you trying to tell me?'...My sister didn't answer, but I could feel her there. I didn't see her, I didn't see anyone, but I ...could just...sense....she was there...I don't know why I thought this, but I immediately felt this was a gift, something she wanted and could show me. Then it was gone.
The light was replaced by two colors. And I've seen these colors before, I don't even have a favorite color! But these colors were beautiful. Blues and greens. I saw these colors moving like water. I didn't see water. These colors moved in ripples like when you throw a pebble in the water. That was it.
I woke up in the morning remembering my dream ever so clearly like I remember still today. Dreams are silly, some are down right foolish, or they're scary, bad dreams or stupidly funny. Dreams are basically ridiculous and make no sense. And we almost never remember them clearly, as they fade. We make fun of dreams, we make light of them and sometimes, as weird as they are, we try to find out what the darn dream meant. And I don't ever remember dreaming in color. That's why I don't think it was a dream.
I never wondered what it meant, and I still don't! I truly took it as a gift! Not a message, but a gift my sister or...someone gave me. My sister didn't have a horrible life, she had a good life. She was beautiful and beautiful inside too. She was fit, and active and a giver. She was soft and gentle, kind and adventurous, fun, she loved this planet, loved nature, she had so many, many friends, a great job, and she did charity work.
There were a few bad things that happened to my sister in her life but she was strong, she was brave and I learned that from her. I saw her before she was cremated. I kissed her forehead, I touched her hair, I touched her hand. I pulled the sheet off her to see what she was wearing that day. I noticed her tiny diamond earrings she was wearing too. I talked to her. I told her I loved her. I asked God to take her in his arms.
I told God he had the best one of us.(I have 2 other sisters and a brother.) I begged God... to forgive her..... My beautiful sister took her life, on a beautiful sunny spring day, she went to the garage when she was alone, and she hung herself. I know people leave this world at their own hands, and it's tragic, and so often I've asked why, as do other people who lose loved ones this way because it doesn't make sense. But she had her reasons and I had to forgive her, and I had to let her go. I saw what she did. But I know my sister, my best friend.
She made a mistake. She was not in a good place in her mind, a place she couldn't climb out of, and she made a terrible mistake. I praised God and begged him to take her in a place of peace and love. Maybe she heard me, and maybe she was able to show me where she was, or...who she was, in a place of peace and love. I don't know if she was in a light with me...or she WAS the light I saw. It was unimaginable, it was not of this world.
I debated and debated for a long time, should I tell anyone? Who would believe this? Do I want my experience to be dismissed as just a dream? Maybe I shouldn't share it, but keep it as mine. A gift. But it still haunts me like it happened so clearly yesterday, and maybe it's because I have to tell it, because I'm SUPPOSE to tell it. I still don't know.
When something terrible in life happens to you, it changes you, forever. I have to say when something beautiful, truly beautiful,(I wish I could feel that very same thing again), happens to you,,,Again it changes you forever. I don't want to leave this world, not now anyway, I love life, but this happening, this experience, the light and the most incredible peace I felt and love, incredible love, I would love to visit it again.
There are some other things I would like to say,,, that love and peace I felt were immense, but I have quite a time coming up with the right words to describe to the extent of what I felt, so this will have to do. Later on I found out by accident what green and blue mean. Why didn't I see other colors?...Green and blue are colors that make you feel at ease. I read that, at an airport they used green and blue lights on a ceiling because they are 'calming' colors. Maybe THOSE two colors I saw were to lull me back to sleep.
So I have told someone what happened to me and maybe it doesn't matter and never will, maybe it was just for me, to help me in some way. I will never forget this experience I had that one night, and my sister Jeanne will always be in my heart.
I miss her so. I have ideas, I have a gut feeling about what comes after life, and I don't think it is death, I think it's something else. But I think we don't really need to know. We just need to do the best we can while we're here, and to help each other the best we can,,,, and I KNOW my sister did that