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For the broken and the lost; I hope this excerpt finds you well.
My adolescent self remembers that you went more than you came. My heart ached, for the things you wouldn't do. My soul broke for all that we've been through. I used to think it was too late, to mend my broken heart. I was so full of hate. I didn’t know where to start. You took away my hope that I would ever be loved, and I was left to cope as I watched you love everyone else but me.
I wanted to tell you I could never take you back, Dad. You crept your way back into my life whenever it was convenient for you, but when you called my name, the word “no” vanished. I wanted to be treated like I was yours, but instead, you threw me away.
As an adult, I found myself dwelling in an unfavorable habitat, which everyone referred to as life. It seemed almost as if one day I had emerged there with no recollection of how I got there in the first place. I wandered around as an empty vessel for countless months that felt like years. I dreaded my human existence.
The thought of being alive weighed me down every beating second because I allowed your choices to dictate my lifestyle. My broken pieces could never complete the beautiful defective soul that I was. I cried out to the sky to be saved. I wanted to be saved from the darkness that I was running from for so long. Every time I felt like I was three steps ahead, my demons were forcing me ten steps backward.
My stature as a human being was regressing as my age was ascending. My own darkness relentlessly consumed me; A lifeless soul in plain sight was me. I entered a state of emergency as I naively provoked God, purely out of desperation. I desperately desired to be saved from my pain. A pain that was greater within itself that resulted in complete paralysis.
Within this darkness, I found liberation, if you will. Freedom given by a light so initially faint but grew brighter as I pursued it. I found myself blinded by the brightness and glowing to the fullest extremity. The light radiated through every part of my physical body and lit my soul on fire. Introduced to me as, "I AM." As in, I AM what you need. I AM who I say I AM. I AM the way. I AM the truth. I AM the light.
I AM permeated my needs. I experienced a love that overflowed so deep within my soul it mended my broken pieces. Not just so I could function, but so I could flourish. The demons that put me to sleep each night were rebuked by a power that went beyond my mental capacity. I found my belonging in this earthly world where we reside. My soul was abruptly awakened and amicably embraced by its creator.
I now come to you from a platform of tranquility. A safe place. A place where peace resides. Where love is promised, and mercy salutes me every morning. A place where Grace is your support and motivation. This salvation is not only for those who seek it, but it’s also for those who dwell in darkness; who believe they are broken beyond restoration.
For those who are greeted by their demons every morning and fall asleep in desolation. I found a place, where being human is extraordinary rather than demanding. I found a place for all of us.
Someone once pleaded to me, “What was it that you so desperately needed to be saved from? Please, please tell me. I need to know what was so dreadful”. My answer was simple. What I needed salvation from, was not the world we live in. Nor my demons that were continuously hounding me. I didn’t need to be saved from my past nor the pain caused by abandonment as a child. What I needed to be saved from, Was me.
Brandie: United States