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Jesus, Lord Jesus I come to you repentant agonizing from my demons.
I accepted You as my Lord and Savior twenty years ago,
My heart was filled with love and experienced my "first love."
I had intimate moments with you in the prayer closet every chance I got.
I couldn't wait to be in the privacy of that room to commune with you.
I served in full-time ministry when I was two and a half years old in the kingdom
I walked by faith and not by sight; I depended on you for my existence.
I would wake up early mornings to seek Your Face and converse with you
I didn't think about anything else but what surprises you had for me each day.
Several souls came and accepted you each week
I prayed and ministered to anyone who needed and sought prayer
I tirelessly worked until almost midnight
I served in the evangelism ministry, walked several miles from my dorm to the church
I served faithfully, tirelessly and you showed some miraculous signs and wonders.
I came to the United States to marry a man who I thought was godly
My hope was high and was full of promise
Things didn't turn out as I hoped they would
The godly man I married was not godly after all
Hope turned into frustrations, anger, and resentment
That Christian marriage ended in a statistics called 'divorce.
I was disillusioned beyond repair
I picked up the pieces of my broken, ungodly life
What happened to the marriage that I thought Christ was the center?
I, Me and Myself became the theme of that broken marriage
Selfishness, pride, lust, materialism, and none of the fruit of the Spirit.
If only I have surrendered ALL my decisions to God
But lo and behold I've sought my own will
The spirit of control called Jezebel spirit had unknowingly crept in my being
Years of anger, frustration, and resentment made my heart hardened
Opening a doorway to Satan and his demons.
Seeking my will further and strengthened by Jezebel
I pursued more carnal ways and fornicated with a man
The man was a Buddhist, so I even attempted to embrace his faith
By God's grace, He didn't let me slip from the palm of His hand
He provided a way out from that satanic relationship.
I may have been sinning, but His promises are true and alive
I will never leave you nor forsake you He says in His word
I slowly, painfully crawled back to the Cross of Christ
Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice: have mercy also upon me and answer me
I embraced the Cross once more and asked for His grace and mercy.
Armed with nothing but the broken pieces of my life
I cried out to God and sought His forgiveness
Claiming God's promise that if we confess our sins
He is faithful and just to forgive our sins
And to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
It wasn't an easy climb back to God
I cried, Create in me a clean heart, oh God and renew a right spirit within me
Cast me not away from your presence and take not your Holy Spirit from me
Restore unto me the joy of my salvation and renew a right spirit within me
God is good, and He forgave me and welcomed me back with open arms.
After the beautiful reunion with the Lover of my soul
I fell prey into the enemy's trap once more
How long will I forsake God and pursue my despicable ways
Didn't He say, "Be holy for I the Lord Am Holy?"
There I was again in the midst of my sinfulness.
Another door for reconciliation was open by His mercy and grace
He sent a man who knew Him and was true to his word
Though we sinned at the beginning of the relationship
He repented and informed me God told him to clean his house
He said he was willing to take care of me for the rest of my life.
I was not used to such unconditional love and care from a man
So I continued to seek some opportunities elsewhere
For some reason, God has brought me to this man's place several times
Even after a broken engagement and a promise of marriage
He opened his home, his possessions and all that he had for me
Only the Spirit of God can give a man such love for a sinner like me.
I went to NY and encountered a man who kissed me very passionately and deeply
No matter what I do I can't get him out of my mind and heart since the day of the kiss
Even wrote a poem about the man and the kiss that seemed like an addiction
Counseling, prayer, and study of the Word were sought to no avail
That magic spell appears to follow me wherever I go.
Now I pray to God for Absolute Surrender
I want nothing, yes, nothing but His love and mercyI have given up the search for a husband in my life
Now Jesus is my Husband and the Lover of my soul
I plead oh God that you will renew my mind and change my heart
I pray for a pure heart and purity in my life...
(Revised with the 2nd to the last paragraph added, 11/4/14 & 09/23/2014)